January 12, 2008

It's late or early, either way I'm inappropriate

There are some things in my life that are startling to those who are not transgendered. They don't know or haven't considered them, mostly because they have to do with sex and vaginas.

I would like to take a moment to highlight some interesting things about being transgendered.

For me, I had only one real New Year's Resolution: to wank on a regular basis. This might seem like overshare or the text equivalent of "flashing", but there's an actual medical reason for it.

See, as a trans woman I have to do a lot of things that factory direct women don't: for example, I need to maintain my vagina through the use of surgical-grade fake cocks. We call it "dilation", but what it means is "jamming large, heavy, hard phalloi up your hooter to keep it stretched out and in shape". I have to do this even though I don't date men or like being penetrated by a partner because very bad things happen to those who do not do it... My friends all know about this because I bitch about it. Anyone whose experience dilating comes to fade in with masturbation over time, as in (I believe) Trans*sister Radio, is either lying or really, really lucky, because that shit is uncomfortable. It's like lead-centered stone dildos, only they are really made of superdense plastic alloys, and they are just unpleasant and the dilation is not comfortable. Also after being cleaned and stuff, they end up in the dish drainer, which is no end of amusement to visitors. "It wouldn't be Em's house without dildos in the strainer!"

But I digress.

Masturbation. Women can have a hard time coming, they often need to learn where shit is and play around. I understand that feeling, since my nerves and brain are trying to come to terms with my new bodily configuration while I am trying to heal and figure out that same stuff. Physically I am tough enough (and have been a while) but the nerves didn't really kick back in until the early summer (2007), and the best thing I can do to improve my sex and learn to have a normal sex life and stupendous orgasms is to masturbate.

The only thing is that I have gotten out of the habit because for so long I couldn't come (hadn't healed or the nerves were still wonky) so I just suffered blueballs.

So while I have had fun here and there, I really need to buckle down and wank away on a very regular basis. The more I wank the better it gets. So now I have a reminder to masturbate. I'm trying to make it comfortable and regular by swapping days - dilate one, masturbate the next - but I have privacy issues in my home and it's awkward. Despite my fearless and appalling willingness to discuss taboo subjects and overshare, I'm actually very shy about the self-sex... I don't want people hearing my vibe buzzing or some other creeping-them-out noises, and my door doesn't actually shut.

Well, anyway, that was my random and not well-written exposé of a post-op transsexual woman; welcome to my world of brutally enforced jilling and cruel dildos of doom.

Yeah, so if you bitch about your period, remember I walk around bowlegged and sore from dilating like 3 out of 7 days... and because I need to use lube galore (I don't gush when turned on, darlings), even wanking is as messy as it was when I was a boy. I am like lube central. I know brands, qualities, prices, smells... I have a lube cellar instead of a wine cellar.

Anyway, I really would rather be sleeping and all this talk of sex has made me sleepy.


mk said...

You're right about Bohjalian's book, just for the record, and that's only one of the many ways it's super awkward. I picked it up for the title, naturally, and then had to read it when one of the blurbs on the back praised the author for "humanizing transsexuals."

icarus said...

in honor of sexuality-sharing, i made a comment on the "weberotica" post. yay me.

emily0 said...

It's so funny about that book, mk, because it was my mother who came to me after I had the surgery and said something along the lines of, "What the heck, she finds dilation sexual? I can't believe that."

My mom was a bigger critic of it than I was. I kinda just wrote it off as fluff, even though it had parts that annoyed me maybe I was used to it. My mom, though, was incensed. "She acts like it was just this painless thing, transitioning, she doesn't suffer at all, it's just not realistic. She's so self-centered!" It was amusing to see my mom get all trans-raged.

Anonymous said...

That sounds less than fun. Do you have to carry on indefinitely, or only until you're fully recovered?

I am discriminated against said...

for me, dilation SUCKED BIG TIME for the first year. I didn't find it sexual at all when I was focusing on breathing and not whimpering from pain.

But nowadays, masturbation w/o dilation is fun. If you are interested in privacy, check out reviews of vibes for quietness. I shop at Babeland because I have a couple of friends who work there and they are super trans-friendly.

Also, see if you can get your bedroom door to close properly :)

Natasha Yar-Routh said...

I am pre-op so it's interesting to know what I have to look forward to (ouch)

I love the phrase Dildos of Doom! Sounds like a cheap, fun, schlocky Roger Corman horror film.

emily0 said...

Dilation is a life-long process. I had surgery more than a year ago but I am still very uncomfortable with it. Owtch.

emily1 said...

dood. since you've been privy to me getting banged on a regular basis given the fact that i designed my loft bed before i figured i'd be having teh het sex, you really shouldn't be embarassed about the vibrations. turn on some loud music and self-love away.

maudite entendante said...

um, so, the previous comment? Kind of reads like a racist Dr. Bronner's bottle.

If it was shorter, I'd recommend keeping it for amusement value.

(today's captcha word: "utyhro" - as in "using Dr. Bronner's soap while pregnant can cause your unborn child to become crazy in utyhro")

emily0 said...

deleted that comment. someone was channelling the crazy using jack kerouac's typewriter, haha