April 12, 2006

Satanic Sihaqore Salawāt


For those of you unaware, I went up to Montréal to see Doc Brassard and have me a twat installed (known formally as a GRS or "Genital Reassignment Surgery"). I'm doing well, but I had to share something that caused some Muslim friends of mine endless amusement.

See, after they removed the stent, we had to start dilating - using large phallic objects to ensure the resultant product heals in the proper shape and such. It is irrelevant that I am a big dyke (musāhaqa), it's about making the organ just like a Real Girl(tm)'s houha.

So anyway, we hadda dilate five times a day, starting with ablutions of hands and body to ensure purity at an ungodly hour of the morning.

Here's where the amusement bit kicks in. I used (and use) a program called MacQibla, which determines the correct prayer (salā, plural salawāt) times for Muslims based on your location in the world. It then pops up a warning, e.g. TIME FOR FAJR!.

To add amusement to injury, I also woke up my Montréal roomie for morning ablution & dilation by singing the adhān or "Call to Prayer" - with some alterations. First, I sang it in English; second, I changed the wording. See, the muezzin, when it is the first (five AM!) prayer, exhorts believers to rise by saying, "COME TO PRAYER! PRAYER IS BETTER THAN SLEEP! COME TO PRAYER!". Naturally, I had to change that, so I sang, "COME TO DILATE! DILATION IS BETTER THAN SLEEP! COME TO DILATE!"

Anyway, my roomie found it amusing enough once I explained to her what I was on about... but when I told my Muslim friends about it back here in Boston, they fell down laughing.

I still used MacQibla, though I skip the Maghrib and go straight to Isha prayer because now I only need to dilate four times a day and because I need to leave two hours between each dilation at minimum and Maghrib comes hot on the heels of Asr.

Anyway, that's my story of my "satanic lesbian dilations".


prince eric said...

um, i think that em0 rules my world.

emily0 said...

Glad to oblige.

bzmmay: the sound made when the last dilator whips out my houha.

gromphus said...

Em0: clearly the next Umm Kulthum. I can only imagine how hot it is when you do this. Can we record you? Cou you also maybe sing You Are My Large Phallic Object?