January 11, 2006

Oral Sex And Those Who Partake Of It Deemed Vile. (Or: Coming out is hard to do.)

She's the closest thing I have to a grandmother within nine time zones of here. She was my nanny when I was young, and now she's adopted family. She's of a different generation, a different era. Discussing anything controversial with her is at best a waste of time - a talk radio junkie, God bless her, politically, socially and economically we are on opposite ends of the *cough* spectrum. Beats me why we argued politics for an hour last Saturday afternoon, and then religion mixed with current events for another hour.

I say, laughing, "Well, having exhausted politics and religion, let's talk about sex. Would you care to begin?"
She chuckles right back, "Okay, well, there's boys and there's girls..."
I ought not to say anything, but can't resist. "And, well, boys and boys, or girls and girls..."

And suddenly she's serious. "Speaking of girls, you know that woman Ellen Degeneres? She has that TV show?"
"Sure, what about her?"
"Well. I just can’t stand to look at her."
I should know better, but ask anyway: "Why?"
Her voice grows instantly strident, self-righteous, shrill. "I just can’t look at her mouth! Every time I see her I just have to look away!"
I understand. I sit there, in stunned silence.

But my younger brother doesn’t get it. Before I can shoot him a Let It Drop look, he innocently asks what the problem is with Ellen’s mouth.

And I watch the disgust and the hatred twist her face. She spits out, "She uses her mouth! They - Those people - they use their mouths on each other! In THAT way! Gawd, I hope she brushes her teeth afterwards. Ugh!"
Now my brother is the silent one, and I'm trembling.
Satisfied, she sits back, all steel and contempt as she says to my brother: "And now you learned something new, didn’t ya?"

I stand up, manage to keep my legs and my voice from shaking, and announce that I need to go to the bathroom. A few minutes pass. I walk out and ask cheerily, "Who wants ice cream?" Crisis averted, for the moment.

I love her, I really do. But while I may someday forgive her sneer, I will never forget it.

Signed,
One of Those People.

7 comments:

The Mirrorball Man said...

Hmmm, but what's the difference between Ellen going down on a woman and a man going down on a woman? I guess I'll never know much about going down on women. :(

prince eric said...

haven't you heard? there are "innate differences" between men and women!
(...and their oral cavities...?)

wannatakethisoutside said...

Isn't the party line that oral sex is bad on anyone?

I mean, isn't any kind of fun sex supposed to be bad?

But that they only talk about it being bad on queer people and sort of pretend it doesn't happen with other people?

maudite entendante said...

Yeah ... my grandmother still calls her "Ellen Degenerate." Yay for literate punny homophobia.

Mot du jour: kpktkd - Tlingit for "the taste of minty-fresh toothpaste plus female ejaculate"

(I'm sorry, was that vulgar?)

emily0 said...

Maudite Entendante, thank you! I always wanted to know what the word for that was...

Word Verification term: zgufkehs "irritating actions of a cat wanting attention such as pretending to eat your hair or having its ass 'wander' in front of your computer screen"

emily2 said...

uh, said brother will probably be one of "those people," those people being folks who use their mouths "that way" on a woman...

he should also brush his teeth afterwards. 0=)

bat dor said...

Russell: 'Tis truly a sad, sad thing.

Em2: Intellectually speaking, I'm certain you're correct. Emotionally speaking, that's my BROTHER you're talking about! :)

Word verification term: "dvyddy." Definition: a brother too young, according to his overprotective older sister, to be involved in activities that could make him anybody's daddy.