January 21, 2006

More From the List of Things That Are Awkward

87. Your mother calls you to ask if your friend and former roommate (whom she's met) is "a trans" after seeing said friend on one of the three Discovery Health Channel trans documentaries she's seen in the past week.

---> 87.5. Bonus points if you have to explain that your friend is MTF, not FTM.

-----> 87.75. Super bonus points if she then reiterates her opinion that said friend "doesn't look mannish at all" (an opinion she'd expressed before, when she thought your friend was only a dyke), and follows it up with "tell her 'well done.' " (To said friend - and you know who you are - my mom says "well done." Apparently, she still thinks you're a hottie.)

88. Your mom (in the same conversation) says, "What they didn't say in any of the documentaries was - well - for men - you know - whether ... it ... works," and you end up spending seven minutes explaining various aspects of FTM medical transition as you hear her blanching on the other end of the line.

---> 88.5. Bonus points if you then have to explain why it's a safety advantage to be able to pee with one's feet facing the right direction.

----> 88.75. Super bonus points if you have to figure out how to get off the phone before she asks you to detail how various trans people you know have sex and pee.

I suppose I should be grateful she's asking non-hostile, somewhat-informed questions. (And I only had to correct her on pronouns once!!) I just wish I didn't have to be there when it happened...


The Mirrorball Man said...

On the bright side, if all this trans talk gets her worked up, you could always give her a massage with your rubber duckie to make her feel better.

emily0 said...

Haha OMG awes. I'm just sorry you didn't get to crush her tiny mind with your SOFFA TransJedi Powers by telling her yourself during a fit of pique.

Best trans question asked of me to date: being asked if a neovagina "smells like pussy". And no, I'm not being sarcastic: Best. Question. Ever.

And no, I won't say who asked, because it was an intelligent and insightful inquiry and not asked inappropriately. I think that's the first time I've enjoyed answering a trans-related question in a long time.

ufigj (Gheg Albanian) (mainly transsexuals): to be asked whether or not you have a cock.

icarus said...

maybe give her a copy of Trannys Talk Back? not that i'm confident it would help. but maybe it would cut down on the ufigj.

icarus said...

apparently, she also asked if i was aware that said woman who i was dating at the time was trans.

"e: "Well, this was still when she thought ___ was FTM. She figured you'd be rather dismayed that your girlfriend was getting a penis."

*head desk*

*& repeat*

wannatakethisoutside said...

Best trans question asked of me to date: being asked if a neovagina "smells like pussy"

The funniest thing I ever read.

I once got asked how I would get a small enough bra if I got a masectomy.


maudite entendante said...

Yeah, the odd IM conversations occasioned by this post continue:

Me: But yes, she asked me if "someone in a men's room could tell the difference"
Me: I need to send her pictures. Any good recommendations for trannyporn for my mommy?

Person on other end of IM: Actually, I can think of a few, if she's legitimately curious- some of the "pornographic" pictures of transfolk are actually fairly medical portrayals of post-procedure genitalia

...... did I just ask for ideas for trannyporn to send my mother? My mother to whom I won't even reveal that I have a job working with queer students?

FWIW, some of the non-pornalicious sites I'm considering giving her include:

FTM Transition.Com

Rafe's FTM page

Dr. Brownstein's Chest Surgery pics, pt. 1

and pt. 2

Kael's page.

XX Boys - not sure if she's ready for this yet. ;)

Still no good genital pics, though - any ideas?

wannatakethisoutside said...

So you have the job?

maudite entendante said...

Yup, just call me Miss Professional Queer. ;)