December 28, 2005

My Friend Rants About Her Partner's Mother

so, an unnamed friend of mine just came back from a less-than-pleasant holiday at the inlaws'. it was too amusing not to share...

i thought no one was more insane than my own mother. the only difference between a jewish mother and an asian mother is that the jewish mother is bigger. so the asian mother has more scream per cubic inch, but when you're talking about pure surface area, the jewish mother is more formidable.


so my girlfriend's mother asked me if i wanted an enema last night. this culminated four days of constant nagging and making me cook her enough meat products to feed the jackal and hyena population in africa (which resulted in severe constipation). she sat in her extreme extra size armchair, resembling an oversized pear (a la a fruit of the loom mascot) and screeched at me for four days straight while she had me cook poultry, steak, and pork chops for her. every so often she would say "num num."

by the fourth day, i was unable to ignore the mass that had lodged itself in my colon and which was growing at an alarming pace (after all, she would also FORCE ME TO EAT MY OWN MEAT CONCOCTIONS - which i normally don't mind, but if the portion is bigger than ME, i'm probably not going to be feeling very good afterwards).

my girlfriend announced very loudly that i was constipated. so her mother squinted, pointed a fleshy finger at me and told me to go to the bathroom and give myself an enema, which i refused to do. i ran upstairs and hid under the covers.




Kayfer Kettle said...

Sweet mother of God!

I have to say, this has conjured up some TERRIFYING mental real pics required!

How can someone invite another to give themselves an enema?? At Christmas??

Is nothing sacred????!!!! LOL!

emily0 said...

Um, not Christmas. Hanukkah.

Hence with the "Jewish mother".