September 09, 2005

Filling a crucial void in the market

Ever feel like your pants were slowing you down?

Ever feel your crotch was too warm (when no one else was around)?

Ever feel like your thighs were just too thin-looking?

Oh, yeah. That happens to me allll the time. Which is why I was so thrilled to find Cordarounds, the horizontal corduroy. A-yup. Corduroy pants with horizontal, rather than vertical, wales.

From the website, in the section entitled "It's Better Horizontal":

At long last, an aerodynamic corduroy pant. Praise technology and the remarkable times we live in!

Through sheer scientific marvel, Lindland Labs have fabricated a corduroy that wears sideways, cheating the wind and lowering drag coefficient by an amazing 16.24%!

I do admit that I'm a bit confused on this point. Is there a sport which is played in corduroys? Are these super-cool special magic Olympic pants?
Finally, cords that can keep up with our fast-paced lives -- even accelerate them.
Oh. So they're to cut down the wind resistance in the corridors of our office buildings as we dash between meetings. That's, um, inspiring. Or sick. I'm not too sure which.

Also, by "sheer scientific marvel," are we to understand "rotating the cloth 90 degrees before you cut and sew it"?

But that's not all...
No, of course it isn't.
Don't you hate it when vertical cord friction heats your crotch to uncomfortable, even dangerous levels? Problem solved. Lindland's Cordarounds mesh evenly, lowering the crotch heat index by up to 22%!
Phew. My Crotch Heat Index (CHI) is often dangerously high. But it's not always corduroy-related. Other CHI-raising factors include bodices, pink-haired girls, bad puns, and spilt coffee. Does the mystical cloth-rotating technology help with that, too? (Please note their picture of a pulsing red crotch. It's very instructive.)

So, yeah. Praise technology. And the truly remarkable times we live in.


The Mirrorball Man said...

Wowee! What ever are they going to come up with next?

emily0 said...

Don't miss that they offer free shipping to Greenland!

you know, global warming doesn't just affect the land. glaciers affect the kalaalluit eskimo crotches as much as they do seals!